Self Love is Love of Others

While I don’t claim to be a matter expert in all things love, I did find a connection between my definition of love then and the love I felt for myself or rather lack there of.

If you would have asked me what I believed love to be all about as recently as 3 years ago, I would have said something to the effect of:

“It’s about someone who sticks by your side no matter what; whether it be romantic love, love of family or friends.”

“If someone truly loves you, they will never leave your side and vice versa.”

Not much wiggle room for anything else is there?

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A Lack of Self Love

While I don’t claim to be a matter expert in all things love, I did find a connection between my definition of love then and the love I felt for myself or rather lack there of.

In every romantic partner I ever had I subconsciously searched for a feeling of worth to come from the partners I entered relationships with. If I had to trace back where that need came from, you would have to look no further than my childhood. My parent’s divorce played a major role in my view of love.

While I was raised by my mother, I did not get much of her time growing up. It also did not help that when she married my step father he began to verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuse me. He would reinforce my feeling of not being good enough by telling me that simply asking my mother for food was a burden on her.

This would create an extreme feeling of loneliness that I used relationships to fill.

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My Definition of Love

My definition of love was simply that which I did not receive, a feeling of worth. A feeling of worth was closely linked to both attention and being present for me.

So now what was that again about love is all about someone who stays no matter what? Right, it’s a reflection of the lack of love I felt for myself. It was dependent on someone approaching me first before I could give anything in return, because rejection was too risky for me.

Through the healing I have done so far I have managed to build a bridge back to that boy that did not feel like he was worthy of love. I make sure to speak with him daily and remind him it’s safe now.

So then what is my view on love now? I suspect that true love is unconditional and that love of self is love of others. I am in the process of testing this theory, and so hopefully one day I can come back with a more complete answer.

What I can say with absolute certainty is:

The more I am able to love myself, the more love I have to share with others.

The more I am able to love myself, the less validation I require from others.

The more I am able to love myself, the less conditions my love for others carries with it.

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A Bridge to Gratitude

What’s also interesting is that self love also brought gratitude with it. I have noticed recently moments in which I’m so overwhelmed by gratitude that I absolutely must share it with the person I feel gratitude towards in that moment regardless of how they may or may not react.

That has largely to do with an overall reduction in my fear of rejection and need for validation.

That’s not to say I don’t still have my bad days because I definitely do, but I am better able to read when I am down, and take the necessary self care needed to get back on my feet.

Self love has made me a better friend, family member, and hopefully partner for someone one day.

Because if you would ask me what I think love is about today I would say that I suspect true love is unconditional, and self love is love of others.

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How have you show love to others this week? Let us know in the comments: