The Fork in the Road

I can feel a change brewing in my life, a fork in the road if you will.

Hi everyone, it's time again for me to check in, I think.

I can feel a change brewing in my life, a fork in the road if you will. So, in the interest of transparency I figured I would share with you what I see on my map right now.

But first, a little recap of what has led me to where I am now. It has been 3 years now since I started my mental health focused journey. I have stayed relatively consistent in going to therapy throughout that time. My motivation for wanting to go, my "why" has changed quite a bit.

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Originally? I didn't even go for me.

I went in an attempt to save a relationship I really wanted to work. I was hoping that if I just fixed me, my worth would be seen.

I am very proud of how hard I worked for that relationship despite it's failure not long after I started going to therapy. After that, there was a lot of decay falling all around me. The framework of my past life crashing down around me.

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I had to find a new home, a new job, a new community.

The next year was very much a blur to me. The only thing that kept me moving was that I just had to make it to the next therapy session as therapy became my only sanctuary where I did not feel rejected.As time passed, I kept myself busy with Win The Night.

I started regaining my footing, and it became clear what my path was to be next. I have to build as many bridges as I can. With that comes different challenges. The rule for me is that if I don't help myself first I cannot be of any help to others.

So, therapy has remained a critical tool to ensure I could continue on this path without losing my balance, so that I may be as helpful as possible.

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So, the fork in the road.

Recently, I've started to ask myself "when do I let go?"

Just asking that question raises my heart rate. Early on my therapist mentioned that the goal with therapy was that eventually I wouldn't need her anymore.

She won't be doing this career forever after all.

As I continue planning for work I want to do still while in therapy, I have started to get this gut feeling that my time at least with my therapist is approaching it's final chapters.

The question I wrestle with a lot is "can I really keep myself in check without therapy while continuing to build bridges?"

I have wrestled with the idea of getting another therapist should something change with my therapist now, but honestly I just don't see myself doing that.

3 years of rapport is really difficult to match, and I don't want to be dependent on therapy to keep me afloat either.

Life is a big experiment in that way. You won't know unless you try.

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