Listen now | Dr. Rice discusses his path to becoming a psychologist, initially exploring other fields like medicine and priesthood, but finding his calling in meaningful conversations and helping others w/ life.
This father/son dynamic feels so prevalent in society. I'm not sure I agree with therapists that suggest talking to parents though. Rarely are they going to tell you what you most want to hear — that you were always lovable, you were always acceptable, that they were appreciative of your uniqueness, they were sorry they weren't more attentive to your needs, that they should have allowed you to be who you always were. Although it might help with closure once their parent dies if something positive outcome results from conversation. As John Mayer says, “Say what you need to say..” 🎶 Even if the outcome isn’t always great, even when the words aren't all pretty, I find being honest with others makes me feel complete when repair is possible or a relationship is over.
I had such a conversation with my father recently. My therapist Mel suggested doing so. I cracked a small wry smile and asked if he knew my father. He did the same and said why yes you’ve told me all about him. lol
For me, it was I wanted to be able to speak my truth without shutting my mouth or running away or being so confused I didn’t know what to think let alone say. I needed to say it respectfully in relation to myself first and foreost but also in relation to my father. To his credit he listened. I don’t think he liked it but I told him if we were to have a better relationship I needed to say it.
We are all different and so we all have different ways of going about getting our needs met if we can. I’m just trying to deal with my anxieties in life a bit differently. A bit more calmly, (at moments at least) and lived out differently than I did when I was young. Not completely different mind you. Just dealing with my personality and temperment a bit more actively :)
Well, Mel was challenging you, wasn't he? That's what good therapists do. I call it ‘stretch’ goals. What was the worst thing your father would do to you at this point in your life? Disown you or banish you from his kingdom? I've discovered that our fears are much greater than any possible negative outcome we could experience. So, by facing your fears, you challenged yourself to show up as a better version of yourself.
It sounds like you demonstrated courage. You stood in your truth. It’s possible your father even respected you for that. I find that when you can get someone else to consider your perspective, that's big. We don't always have the other party agree with us to be heard. That has been a significant revelation to me in my journey. Also, not everyone else will be a perfect mirror for me. Not everyone is going to tell me I'm lovable. Not everyone will appreciate me or offer the attention I might want from them, for example. But, this is more difficult to accept when it comes from your parents. I don't think I ever would have been able to have that conversation with my mother. There were too many levels of denial as well as woundedness. That wasn't going to happen.
Looks like you're finding things that work for you. That’s great! For me, discovering things that feel ‘effective’ for my anxiety—things that work for me (in other words, adding things to my toolkit does allow me to move through life with more ease. I also see how understanding my basic temperament has served me. We’re not all the same. That's why psychotherapy was challenging for me at times. I felt that they kept on trying to fit me in a box. I didn't want to go in their box. I felt like I had to fight to be seen for who I truly am. Sometimes, it can be a struggle to be seen, to be heard. I'm find though, I'm much more comfortable in my skin than I was five or ten years ago. That's one benefit of getting older.
This father/son dynamic feels so prevalent in society. I'm not sure I agree with therapists that suggest talking to parents though. Rarely are they going to tell you what you most want to hear — that you were always lovable, you were always acceptable, that they were appreciative of your uniqueness, they were sorry they weren't more attentive to your needs, that they should have allowed you to be who you always were. Although it might help with closure once their parent dies if something positive outcome results from conversation. As John Mayer says, “Say what you need to say..” 🎶 Even if the outcome isn’t always great, even when the words aren't all pretty, I find being honest with others makes me feel complete when repair is possible or a relationship is over.
I had such a conversation with my father recently. My therapist Mel suggested doing so. I cracked a small wry smile and asked if he knew my father. He did the same and said why yes you’ve told me all about him. lol
For me, it was I wanted to be able to speak my truth without shutting my mouth or running away or being so confused I didn’t know what to think let alone say. I needed to say it respectfully in relation to myself first and foreost but also in relation to my father. To his credit he listened. I don’t think he liked it but I told him if we were to have a better relationship I needed to say it.
We are all different and so we all have different ways of going about getting our needs met if we can. I’m just trying to deal with my anxieties in life a bit differently. A bit more calmly, (at moments at least) and lived out differently than I did when I was young. Not completely different mind you. Just dealing with my personality and temperment a bit more actively :)
Well, Mel was challenging you, wasn't he? That's what good therapists do. I call it ‘stretch’ goals. What was the worst thing your father would do to you at this point in your life? Disown you or banish you from his kingdom? I've discovered that our fears are much greater than any possible negative outcome we could experience. So, by facing your fears, you challenged yourself to show up as a better version of yourself.
It sounds like you demonstrated courage. You stood in your truth. It’s possible your father even respected you for that. I find that when you can get someone else to consider your perspective, that's big. We don't always have the other party agree with us to be heard. That has been a significant revelation to me in my journey. Also, not everyone else will be a perfect mirror for me. Not everyone is going to tell me I'm lovable. Not everyone will appreciate me or offer the attention I might want from them, for example. But, this is more difficult to accept when it comes from your parents. I don't think I ever would have been able to have that conversation with my mother. There were too many levels of denial as well as woundedness. That wasn't going to happen.
Looks like you're finding things that work for you. That’s great! For me, discovering things that feel ‘effective’ for my anxiety—things that work for me (in other words, adding things to my toolkit does allow me to move through life with more ease. I also see how understanding my basic temperament has served me. We’re not all the same. That's why psychotherapy was challenging for me at times. I felt that they kept on trying to fit me in a box. I didn't want to go in their box. I felt like I had to fight to be seen for who I truly am. Sometimes, it can be a struggle to be seen, to be heard. I'm find though, I'm much more comfortable in my skin than I was five or ten years ago. That's one benefit of getting older.
I love this conversation ! Great Job both you!
Thank you Fang Wei! My first ever published podacast as a guest :)